Frosted Midnight: A Christmas Novella Read online

  I wanted to stay mad. He was obviously a man used to getting what he wanted, probably because he was spoiled rotten as a child, but I saw the sincerity in his eyes, the kindness in his face. What he’d done—basically kidnapping Emma and me—he didn’t do because he wanted to control but because he really, truly cared.

  I sighed. “For some reason I adore you too, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to go back. I can’t stay here. I have a job, a home, my mom and sisters. I have a life. And as much as I appreciate what you’re trying to do, it isn’t right.”

  Austin ran his hands through his hair. “God, woman. You’re infuriating.” He grabbed me by the chin. “Do you still love me?”

  That was putting a girl on the spot. “I-I told you I did. I do. I never stopped loving you, which pisses me off because you left me—twice, you son-of-a-bitch. You don’t trust me.”

  “It isn’t that I don’t trust you.” He closed his eyes a moment and opened them again. “I usually think my decisions through. I’m usually clear headed and…” He shook his head. “With you, everything is different. Please know I made stupid mistakes, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? Love me despite my faults?”

  I thought about it. He’d left the first time without a word. The second he’d believed I was lying. His decisions were stupid, but I could understand why he did what he did. Before that, from the moment we met two summers ago, I knew he was the one. Time and a couple of bad decisions meant to protect, not hurt, couldn’t change that.

  “Yes,” I finally said, meeting his gaze.

  “Good.” He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the mouth. “Because I’m not through with you.” He kissed my neck behind the ear. “And I won’t ever be through with you, Willow St. James.” He pulled aside my nightgown and kissed my shoulder. “I love you. I love our daughter and I—” He paused, trailing kisses across my collarbone. “I want to spend my life with you.”

  Gracious, the things that man’s mouth could do to my body. He cupped a breast with a hand and I pressed into him, desperate to be close.

  His lips covered my mouth and he pushed it open, flicking his tongue inside. I met him and responded, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to me. He pulled back and I opened my eyes, questioning. “What?”

  “If we’re to be together I need your trust. I need your belief in me. I know there’s a lot about me you don’t know, but we belong together. Surely you feel that.” He placed a hand over my heart. “In here.”

  From the beginning I’d known he was the one and only man for me. My sisters said I should fuck other men just so I’d know the difference, so I’d be experienced and understand what I liked. But I’d never been able to fathom that. I knew what I liked: Austin’s touch, his kisses, the way he felt inside. Austin’s body fit with mine like we were made for each other. I didn’t need to have sex with someone else to prove that.

  I swallowed hard. “I do,” I said, touching his bottom lip with the tips of my fingers.

  As soon as I said the words, he was on me, kissing me hard. I returned the kiss, grabbing his hair in fists. He shrugged out of his suit coat and began to unbutton his shirt, but I tore it open. He smirked. “That’s what I mean. Fire.”

  I bit my bottom lip and pulled his shirt off him, then moved to his pants. He slid off his shoes and, once I had his belt off and the pants undone, he stood and pulled them off.

  “Get on your knees,” he commanded.

  I did, allowing the comforter to fall. He kissed me as his hands found my breasts. He took his lips from mine as he lifted the nightgown over my head. I was completely naked.

  Austin’s eyes ravaged my body. Heat swelled between my thighs, making me instantly wet. He kissed one nipple and then took it between his teeth and gently sucked. Then pulled harder.

  I cried out in pleasure, my hands moving to his shoulders and along the muscles of his back. I dragged my nails along his biceps and leaned over to kiss one. His skin was taut and warm, and he smelled like man and soap and a hint of cologne.

  Austin switched nipples, sucking on the other one while he slid his hands down my sides to my waist. I let out another moan, lightly nipping at his shoulder.

  He groaned and pulled me to him and I felt his hardness against my stomach. I wrapped a hand around the long shaft through his boxer-briefs and he gasped.

  One of his hands cupped my ass while the other moved to my clit and massaged it softly. My thighs quaked with desire. He helped me lay back and then he pulled off his underwear, standing before me in all his delicious glory.

  “You’re too gorgeous for your own good,” I cooed, placing my hands above my head. His gaze was filled with heat. He climbed on the bed, opening my thighs.

  “I could say the same about you, Willow.” With his thumb he massaged my clit and slid one of his fingers inside. “You’re so wet.” He pulled it out and licked his finger.

  The tightness building between my thighs grew stronger. “I want you, Austin.” I sat up and wrapped a hand around his hardness, leaned down and licked the tip, then swirled my tongue around the outside.

  He gasped, moving his hands to my hair, and I took him all the way in my mouth.

  “Fuck, Willow. The things you can do with that mouth.” He moved his hips in rhythm.

  I felt him tense, felt his hold in my hair tighten, and knew he would come soon. I was ready. I loved it when he came in my mouth. But he pulled me off. I looked up. “You know I like it,” I said.

  “I know,” he said hoarsely. “But it’s my turn.”

  I lay back on the bed, opening myself wide for him. He positioned himself.

  “I’m going to make you feel so good,” he said, lowering his mouth over my clit.

  I had every intention of giving him a response. I wanted to tell him he already did make me feel good, but his tongue licked my clit and slid down my slit.

  My body shuddered. “Austin,” I moaned, grabbing fistfuls of hair.

  He suckled my clit and moved his tongue and lips until I was lost in the pleasure, lost in the heat and pressure and tightness as my need for him built and grew. I didn’t think I could take anymore and moved my head from side to side. Austin slid his tongue inside. That sent me over the edge and I came undone.

  “How you feeling?” he asked with a smug grin, kissing me firmly on the mouth.

  “Awful,” I responded breathlessly, tasting myself on him, kissing him deeper, sucking on his tongue.

  He growled and pushed my thighs wider as he pushed deep inside.

  I moaned.

  He lifted his chin and shut his eyes. “I love the way I feel inside you,” he whispered, rocking into me.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off him, admiring the tightness of his chest, the ripples of his abs, his trim waist, and the cut of his thighs. He looked incredible and felt even better. I moved my hips so that our bodies slammed into each other. His eyes found mine and held me fast. I reached out and touched his abs. He grabbed my thighs and pulled me further onto him. I cried out in ecstasy.

  “Fuck, Austin.” I moaned, leaning up so I could watch him move in and out. Seeing the way his shaft rammed into me was so hot. Austin moved faster, our body slapping together. Another orgasm was building and I lay back, closing my eyes. He slowed, readjusting his body so he covered mine. I wrapped my legs around his hips. He tucked his arms under my shoulders and then pushed his hips so he went even deeper.

  I held his gaze, trying to focus, and bit my lip. He leaned down and suckled my lip away from my teeth and pressed into me again.

  “I love making love to you. I love you,” he said.

  “I love you too, Austin. And I fucking love the things you do to my body.”

  He smiled like a kid in a candy store. His eyes twinkled. “You ready to come again?”

  I rolled my eyes. “If you think you’re up to the challenge.”

  He rocked his hips into me again, letting my feel just how up to it he was.

  I gasped. He covered my mout
h with a kiss.

  We moved as one, our bodies coming together seamlessly. He started out slowly and then moved his arms, angling himself so that he could get really deep. I could keep myself quiet any more.

  “Fuck me, Austin. Oh, God. Fuck me hard.”

  He moved faster and faster. My orgasm built quickly and I came to pieces under him.

  His orgasm happened right after mine. He gave one final thrust, then he rested his forehead against mine. Our noses touched. Our breaths mingled.

  And I realized anything was possible if we did it together.

  The doctor’s office was pristine: white walls, clean lines, modern furniture. A woman in her fifties sat behind a cherry wood desk. On it was a computer screen, a thick pen, and a cream file. I was guessing it was mine. Nothing else.

  The doctor wore a light gray suit with a white blouse, shiny taupe nylons, and black pumps. Her silvery-white hair was pulled back in a bun. She had the bluest eyes and thin silver reading glasses sat on the end of her nose.

  Austin was next to me, holding my hand. I’d taken all the tests and this was the moment when the doctor would give me the results, give it to my straight. I noted her stoic demeanor, the look of a woman who’d been delivering bad news for a really long time.

  “Well, Miss St. James.” She picked up my file and opened it, though I had the feeling it was out of habit and not because she didn’t already know what it contained. “Your results came back that you do in fact have a tumor sitting on your spine between the fourth and fifth vertebrae.” She paused. “I’m sure you’re aware of that.”

  I swallowed, nervous. Austin squeezed my hand. It wasn’t any easier getting crappy news the second time around, but I was doing it for the man next to me. He needed to hear what the doctor had to say.

  “Yes, I am,” I said crossing and uncrossing my legs. I’d chosen to wear a flowery sundress; even though it was mid-January, the weather in Dallas was a balmy seventy-six degrees.

  “Of course.” She cleared her throat and worried butterflies began zipping around in my stomach. “It seems,” she quickly glanced at Austin before continuing, “that there’s another, smaller mass between your third and fourth vertebrae…”

  I gasped.

  “As well as another between the first and second.”

  Austin sat up straight and squeezed my hand tighter.

  I couldn’t breathe. I tried to inhale but I couldn’t do it. I leaned over, hanging my head. Austin got out of his chair and kneeled next to me.

  “It’s alright,” he repeated over and over.

  But the more he said it, the more I didn’t believe it. I gritted my teeth and forced back any emotion. My hair had fallen into my eyes and I tucked it behind my ears. After several more deep breaths, I sat up straight. “I see. So what’s the prognosis?” I asked, staring at a point directly above the doctor’s head. I couldn’t look her in the eyes, and I sure as shit couldn’t look at Austin. One tumor was bad enough, but three? Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Austin knelt next to me a moment longer, but when he realized I wouldn’t look at him, he moved over to his seat.

  She cleared her throat. “I think we need to go after the cancer aggressively. I think we should operate to remove them and then—”

  “Wait.” I raised my hand. “My doctor told me the tumor I had was inoperable, that the only treatment was chemo. Are you saying you can operate on them?”

  “Yes, Miss St. James, I’m saying I can operate and that I can get most if not all of the tumors. Once the operation is over, I’ll recommend you go through a round of chemotherapy and that should destroy the rest, leaving your body cancer free.”

  I leaned forward. “And what are the risks of doing the operation?” Obviously if my doctor said he couldn’t do it that meant it was difficult to say the least, probably near impossible.

  “Well,” she took off her reading glasses and clasped her hands together. “There is a chance you’ll be paralyzed, if not fully then partially from the waist down, and there’s also the possibility that there’ll be complications while you’re on the table and you’ll die.”

  I glanced at Austin finally with raised eyebrows. He was pale and his jaws were clenched together.

  Austin was freaking out.

  Keeping my eyes on him, I asked, “Okay, and if I don’t do the surgery? What then?”

  She nodded as though she expected the question. “Then you’ll live a relatively pain free life over the next three to six months. A year if you’re lucky.”

  Austin closed his eyes and I felt the butterflies burst.

  “How soon do I need to give you an answer?” I turned back to the doctor.

  “The sooner the better.” She clicked a few buttons on her computer. “I can get you in for the surgery on Friday at eight-thirty in the morning, if that’s what you decide to do.” She leaned back. “Mr. Merrick, do you have any questions?”

  He opened his eyes. “No, not at the moment.” Then he stood and stuck out his hand. The doctor took it. “Thank you so much for your time, Vivianne. I really—” his voice broke.

  “It’s my pleasure, Austin. Really.” She patted his hand.

  Austin grabbed my hand and we walked to the door. “We’ll have an answer for you by tomorrow. Will that be enough time?”

  “Yes, that’ll be fine.”

  We left, walked past the receptionist and over to the elevator. Austin pushed the down arrow. I sensed the stress rolling off him.

  “Are you going to be okay?” I asked quietly.

  He glanced over but didn’t respond.

  The elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. He pushed the L for lobby and we rode down in silence.

  When we were outside, Austin leaned over taking in big gulps of air. I stood beside him, wondering if he was going to puke. Emma had been sick often enough that I figured I could handle it. What I wasn’t prepared for was the sob that ripped from his chest. It tore into me.

  “Austin,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. We were on the sidewalk. People gave us a wide berth and I was grateful.

  He seemed to suddenly realize where we were and stood, adjusted the jacket on his black suit, and grabbed my hand. We walked to his vehicle—a big black truck. He unlocked it and helped me in.

  When the doors were shut he started the car, then turned to face me. “You’re having the surgery.”

  “Excuse me?” I said, irritated by his commanding voice.

  “There isn’t even a question. Of course you’ll have the surgery.”

  I buckled my seatbelt and turned away from him. “I could die,” I whispered, thinking about Emma. It was a Monday. Emma was almost six months old, and in four days I could be dead. No more seeing her beautiful face, kissing her chubby cheeks, kissing her sweet feet. Nothing. I wasn’t ready for that possibility.

  “You won’t die. You won’t,” he said, his voice full of anguish.

  It almost killed me hearing the pain in his voice. He’d already lost his first love, and now he might lose me. I wished there was a way I could take his pain away. I would do anything in my power to make him happy. Anything.

  “You don’t know that. You heard what the doctor said. There could be complications. Or I could be paralyzed.” I glanced at him, a sudden desire for him to really understand what he was asking. “Four days and I might not see Emma again.” Tears filled my eyes and leaked onto my cheek. I didn’t stop them. “Four more days and I might lose you again. Don’t you get that? At least if I don’t have the surgery I’ll be guaranteed another three months to a year. That’s better. That gives me time.”

  “You’re selfish,” Austin barked and threw the car into drive. He pulled out into traffic.

  I grabbed the dash. “It’s selfish that I want more time with the people I love?” My mom and sisters had come to stay at Austin’s gigantic house while I had my tests done. It’d been great having us all together under one roof. Austin fit right in with the St. James girls. He was sweetly flirty with m
y mom and brotherly with my sisters.

  And the way he was with Emma? He was the best father. Patient. Funny. Sweet. Emma adored him.

  We spent the mornings together. Then Austin went to work for a few hours and my mom, sisters and I would hang out. Austin would come home. Sometimes he’d take me out, or cook us all a meal. And our lovemaking? If I could imagine the perfect lover, it would be Austin. He was everything I could imagine and more.

  I didn’t want to let that go. I wouldn’t.

  When we got home, Austin told my mom and sisters. They talked and argued, but I needed to see Emma. I went into her room. It’d been done in Winnie-the-Pooh, just like her room back in Bandon, but this one was much larger.

  I walked to her crib and peeked inside. She wasn’t asleep, but was staring wide-eyed up at the mobile above her. Her eyes were red and I knew she was tired.

  “Hi, baby-girl. Can’t you sleep?” I wound the button at the top of the mobile. Music played as it twirled in a slow circle.

  She’d recently learned to clap and did it all the time. She clapped now.

  “What, Emma? Are you happy?”

  She looked at me and smiled.

  “You want mommy to hold you?” I reached in and picked her up, then went over to the table and changed her. She had on the cutest pink outfit with Piglet on the front. I pulled on a clean pair of socks, then picked her up. She snuggled into the crook of my neck and I sat down in the rocking chair.

  “Mommy doesn’t know what to do.” I said softly, rubbing her back. “I don’t want to leave you—ever. But if I don’t have the surgery, that’ll happen in a year.” I kissed the top of her head, smelling the delicious smell only babies had. “If I have the surgery, there’s a chance I’ll be completely cancer free and I could live a long time, long enough to see you married and have children of your own.” I leaned my head against the chair, closing my eyes, trying to imagine my life as an old lady.

  And that’s what made my decision for me. I wanted to be around to be a grandmother. Or at least around long enough to see Austin go gray.